Better. I got the job in NYC :) I now work for the Greater NY Hospital Association. I'm so excited. I start December 20 when the semester ends (which I absolutely can't wait for). In the mean time, I've gone back to the country club bc honestly no one else would hire me for 2 months. I feel so strong, so put back together. I will always care about him. There will always be a place in my heart for him.
Taylor Swift pretty much sums it up best:
I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met
And the sparks flew instantly
And people would say they're the lucky ones
I used to know my place was the spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat
Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on
Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fallout,
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up that I can't break through
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dyin' to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
Yeah
I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy
And you're doing your best to avoid me
I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us
Of how I was losing my mind when I saw you here
But you held your pride like you should have held me,
Oh I'm scared to see the ending why are we pretending this is nothing
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud.
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
Yeah
And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle's in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room
And we're not speaking
And I'm dying to know
Is it killing you
Like it's killing me?
Yeah
And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
Now, Now, Now
And were not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me?
Yeah
And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, cause we're going down.
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now
The End
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
As they turn your dream to shame....
I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Real Quick...
Quick updates. This girl needs to get to bed. Here's why:
- Tomorrow I have a followup job interview. EEEEEK.
- I have heard nonstop from the brother since I ran into him at the country club. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone?
- Philly was a good time. I am blessed to have amazing high school (and college) friends. It's so refreshing to have people that I've know for so long & every time I see them I'm laughing my ass off. Love them.
- Went out to 2 bars this weekend. Shocking for me as of late. By tonight, I'm still exhausted.
- A guy (for the first time since everything went down) told me at Lucy's that I looked beautiful Saturday night. I don't care if he meant it or not, but thank you random dude.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Le sigh
I haven't updated in quite some time, mostly because I've been trying to get things in order. So, here we go.
On Friday, I had a job interview in Chelsea Market in the city. I think it went really well. There are 3 applicants for the position, and since we had a crazy storm Thursday night that delayed/suspended a few lines on the LIRR, I was the only one who showed up for the interview (advantage- Daryle). I was originally scheduled for an interview at 10am with what would be my immediate supervisor, and a rep from HR. Not only did I meet with those 2, but they introduced me to their bosses and so on. I ended up having 6 individual interviews, and was in the office for over 2 hours. If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is. I'm supposed to hear from them sometime this week, so I'm really hoping this works out.
Other than that, school has also been going very well. I am a TA for two courses, one of which is taught by the CFO of North Shore-LIJ, the premiere health care system on Long Island. The other professor is the CEO of Nassau University Medical Center, one of NS-LIJ's hospitals. Needless to say, working as a TA for them is a great professional opportunity.
On a personal note, I've been going to therapy twice a week. It's so strange really. I feel as if I live this complete double life. One one hand, I am so involved in my academic and professional career I don't have time to think about anything that happened in July. On the other hand, I find myself holding back in my personal life so much. I don't want to meet anyone new. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin it is unbelievable. But, I'm so much better than a month ago. Honestly. I laugh. I feel more like my normal self and I feel as if life is really moving on.
But then something happens like Saturday night. I've been trying so much to avoid the country club. But it was Maya's birthday, and they were all getting together, so I decided to go. Of course I see Frank's brother, who I initially met around a year ago but used to speak to on the phone frequently when I was with him. He gave me a big hug, kiss on the cheek and asked how I was doing. I said fine, and he asked if I was okay- meaning he knew everything. I was a little tipsy at this point, so I invited him to come drink with us, and he said he was driving and couldn't. He asked where I live, and he said he lived in the same town and so I suggested we could share a cab (WHAT WAS I THINKING). He agreed to drink with us, so I went inside and discreetly told Maya what happened and how I was insane for offering to even associate with him. I'm guessing that he heard me, because soon after he decided it would be better if he went home.
Fast forward to last night. I'm sitting in my apartment. My doorbell rings. Its his brother. I hid. I couldn't answer the door. I'm sure he saw me. I'm insane.
Seeing his brother was so strange. They look alike. Sound alike. Even smell alike. I'm still freaked out. Moral of the story: If I'm hiding from his brother, God only knows what would happen if I actually saw Frank.
On Friday, I had a job interview in Chelsea Market in the city. I think it went really well. There are 3 applicants for the position, and since we had a crazy storm Thursday night that delayed/suspended a few lines on the LIRR, I was the only one who showed up for the interview (advantage- Daryle). I was originally scheduled for an interview at 10am with what would be my immediate supervisor, and a rep from HR. Not only did I meet with those 2, but they introduced me to their bosses and so on. I ended up having 6 individual interviews, and was in the office for over 2 hours. If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is. I'm supposed to hear from them sometime this week, so I'm really hoping this works out.
Other than that, school has also been going very well. I am a TA for two courses, one of which is taught by the CFO of North Shore-LIJ, the premiere health care system on Long Island. The other professor is the CEO of Nassau University Medical Center, one of NS-LIJ's hospitals. Needless to say, working as a TA for them is a great professional opportunity.
On a personal note, I've been going to therapy twice a week. It's so strange really. I feel as if I live this complete double life. One one hand, I am so involved in my academic and professional career I don't have time to think about anything that happened in July. On the other hand, I find myself holding back in my personal life so much. I don't want to meet anyone new. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin it is unbelievable. But, I'm so much better than a month ago. Honestly. I laugh. I feel more like my normal self and I feel as if life is really moving on.
But then something happens like Saturday night. I've been trying so much to avoid the country club. But it was Maya's birthday, and they were all getting together, so I decided to go. Of course I see Frank's brother, who I initially met around a year ago but used to speak to on the phone frequently when I was with him. He gave me a big hug, kiss on the cheek and asked how I was doing. I said fine, and he asked if I was okay- meaning he knew everything. I was a little tipsy at this point, so I invited him to come drink with us, and he said he was driving and couldn't. He asked where I live, and he said he lived in the same town and so I suggested we could share a cab (WHAT WAS I THINKING). He agreed to drink with us, so I went inside and discreetly told Maya what happened and how I was insane for offering to even associate with him. I'm guessing that he heard me, because soon after he decided it would be better if he went home.
Fast forward to last night. I'm sitting in my apartment. My doorbell rings. Its his brother. I hid. I couldn't answer the door. I'm sure he saw me. I'm insane.
Seeing his brother was so strange. They look alike. Sound alike. Even smell alike. I'm still freaked out. Moral of the story: If I'm hiding from his brother, God only knows what would happen if I actually saw Frank.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone
So here we go. I haven't updated in 3 days. I want to write the things that I've done (or rather, haven't) over the course of the past few days, but it's honestly too depressing for me to even write it down. Instead, I'm just going to bullet the important stuff.
God give me the strength. Why me?!
- I went to a therapist. I like her. She's around my age, and did not judge me at all for anything that happened. She thinks I have PTSD, which I believe. When I do sleep, I'm a really violent sleeper, which I never was before. I wake up to pillows thrown around the room, on the opposite end of the bed and blankets in knots. I've put on 20 pounds since all of this started. I feel horribly ugly and don't enjoy going out or seeing people other than close friends at all (which really shrinks my social circle here in NY). We talked about a lot of things, and she put into perspective the number of things I've lost this summer (my job, relationship, the baby, the ability to have kids naturally). Basically I haven't allowed myself time to grieve, which is what I feel like I've been doing all along. It's an endless cycle. I'm going in 2 times a week for the next couple of weeks until things start getting better.
- I'm also developing this fear that I will never date anyone ever again. I've been burned so bad from this. How am I ever supposed to let anyone else in?!
- I spoke with one of the girls from work today. He's completely normal. She said he has "stopped acting shifty & weird" since I left. Why couldn't she have just lied to me and said he was miserable?
- I'm still having serious issues with the fact that he's fine and will be fine. I wonder if he even thinks about what happened to me, or me at all. How can he just not care?! What kind of person is he?! How did I not see this?!?!?!
God give me the strength. Why me?!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
At night I pray that soon your face will fade away...
I know these posts are downers. I know they might be hard to read. I'm not apologizing. This is how I cope.
This past week I've just been feeling incredibly sad. I quit my job at the country club. At first, I felt so empowered. Now is the time to actually move on. I will never have to see him again. I was really ready to focus on getting my life back together.
But then I became so sad. I look for the best in people. I refuse to believe that he's this big of an asshole. I've seen the good in him. In my heart, I know he's hurting too. But, this was so much bigger than us. Considering what we were, we weren't prepared to handle this at all. A summer fling turned into a complete nightmare.
I'm going to therapy this week.
"Nothing seems to be the way that it used to. Everything seems shallow, God give me truth
& tell me somebody's watching over me. That is all I'm praying- Someday, I will understand God's whole plan & what he's done to me... "
This past week I've just been feeling incredibly sad. I quit my job at the country club. At first, I felt so empowered. Now is the time to actually move on. I will never have to see him again. I was really ready to focus on getting my life back together.
But then I became so sad. I look for the best in people. I refuse to believe that he's this big of an asshole. I've seen the good in him. In my heart, I know he's hurting too. But, this was so much bigger than us. Considering what we were, we weren't prepared to handle this at all. A summer fling turned into a complete nightmare.
I'm going to therapy this week.
"Nothing seems to be the way that it used to. Everything seems shallow, God give me truth
& tell me somebody's watching over me. That is all I'm praying- Someday, I will understand God's whole plan & what he's done to me... "
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Done.
I quit the country club. I have no internship. I am jobless. But I am so free. I can finally begin to heal. Cheers to my new life... :)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Obsessed with this song...
I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...
Friday, August 13, 2010
There was no thief
Yesterday was a great day. Super.
Today, not so much. It's been a month. We can't even look at each other. There is still so much pain. Everyone says its time to move on. And I keep trying. It's not like I'm not trying.
It's just still so hard.
Today, not so much. It's been a month. We can't even look at each other. There is still so much pain. Everyone says its time to move on. And I keep trying. It's not like I'm not trying.
It's just still so hard.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Better days
For the first time since this entire ordeal has happened, I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I recently received a call from Hofstra letting me know that I am the recipient of the MHA fellowship for this upcoming academic year. $3000.00 worth of fellowship. Right off my loans. Fantastic. I now go in and work with my program director once a week doing tasks to help take the MHA program at Hofstra to the next level. Tomorrow will be my 3rd week and I'm really enjoying it so far.
However, this is REALLY what I'm excited about. Last week, I spoke with one of my professors regarding 2 internships (both paid) and at exceptional hospitals (one of which is highly prestigious and located in Manhattan). A classmate of mine is currently doing her internship at one, and said that she has put in so many good words for me that her boss wants to hire me before she even meets me. I'm so excited. All of my hard work here is finally paying off, and the timing could not be more perfect. Not only are these opportunities unbelievable, but they are also my ticket out of the country club. That's right. I will no longer feel obligated to stay at the country club just to make sure I can pay my rent. I'm just hoping everything works out in the end- so keep your fingers crossed for me!
In other news, which also isn't as exciting, I received a call from my surgeon regarding my most recent bloodwork. I am still anemic (no surprise there- he previously told me its going to be 4 months before my iron is back to normal), and my thyroid levels are high. So I have to go see him tomorrow to talk about treatment options. I'm not worried.
I'm finding my days off of work are the best I've felt in a while. Please God let this internship work out so I can work on moving on.
However, this is REALLY what I'm excited about. Last week, I spoke with one of my professors regarding 2 internships (both paid) and at exceptional hospitals (one of which is highly prestigious and located in Manhattan). A classmate of mine is currently doing her internship at one, and said that she has put in so many good words for me that her boss wants to hire me before she even meets me. I'm so excited. All of my hard work here is finally paying off, and the timing could not be more perfect. Not only are these opportunities unbelievable, but they are also my ticket out of the country club. That's right. I will no longer feel obligated to stay at the country club just to make sure I can pay my rent. I'm just hoping everything works out in the end- so keep your fingers crossed for me!
In other news, which also isn't as exciting, I received a call from my surgeon regarding my most recent bloodwork. I am still anemic (no surprise there- he previously told me its going to be 4 months before my iron is back to normal), and my thyroid levels are high. So I have to go see him tomorrow to talk about treatment options. I'm not worried.
I'm finding my days off of work are the best I've felt in a while. Please God let this internship work out so I can work on moving on.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I don't believe you...
We don't even look at each other.
Hating him is exhausting.
I can't cope with this alone. It still hurts.
I want to stop crying. I can't.
Hating him is exhausting.
I can't cope with this alone. It still hurts.
I want to stop crying. I can't.
Friday, August 6, 2010
One sweet day
A quote I received in my Facebook inbox that I'm pretty sure was spam. I actually don't know who the sender is.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us".
Today might just be the first good day I've had in a while.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us".
Today might just be the first good day I've had in a while.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Not Afraid
Today is the first day I see Frank since he told me (not so nicely) on Sunday that he "didn't want to hear about what happened to me anymore". I don't give a shit if he doesn't want to hear about it. He can't just walk away from this unscathed. Unfortunately, my health insurance isn't the greatest and will not cover my surgery 100%. How awful is it that I need a contribution from him? Ugh.
I have no sympathy left for him. I need to protect myself. I need to heal, and if part of that process is crying, screaming at him or simply ignoring him, what needs to be done will be done.
I have no sympathy left for him. I need to protect myself. I need to heal, and if part of that process is crying, screaming at him or simply ignoring him, what needs to be done will be done.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Chiquitita
This is the story of an event that will forever change my life. There is no reason for it to be kept private any longer. This is what happened to me. I hope you can learn something from it. I'm changing the names of those involved, but the story remains the same.
3 weeks ago, I was having serious abdominal cramping at work. Serious to the point where I told my boss I thought my appendix were bursting. I was keeled over, and went home. I called my parents and told them that I was having serious pain, and if it continued I was coming home to go to the ER. After I hang up with them, Kristina calls. I tell her what happens, and she asks me if I'm pregnant. (I've been dating a guy at work since May- let's just call him Frank). I take 2 tests, and I am. At this point I decide to not tell my parents, and go to the ER on Long Island because now I am pregnant with severe abdominal pain.
Once I got to the ER with one of my co-workers, many tests are done but the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong. They send me home, and tell me to return in 48 hours so they can check my pregnancy hormone levels to determine that the baby is healthy. In the mean time, the pain goes from shooting, sharp pains to nothing, so I return to work.
While I work I tell Luis, a very good friend of Frank's, hoping that his reaction will be a telltale of what Frank's will be because they're both originally from Mexico. Luis flips out, tells me that I'm keeping the baby and that we are adults, not kids anymore. In my heart, I believe he is right, but I know that I can't raise a child at this point in my life. Adoption seemed to be the right choice for me. But now, the pain is now back stronger than ever. Upon me crying hysterically and leaving work early, Luis informs me that he's really happy he's going to be an uncle. I cry harder. I have yet to tell Frank.
That night, I went back to the hospital to get my bloodwork checked again. I am in the worst pain I have ever felt at this point. It's concentrated on the right side, and it feels like someone is consistently stabbing me with 1000 knives. The results from my bloodwork show that my pregnancy hormone levels have stayed the same, not a great sign. If the hormone level doubled or tripled within 48 hours, it would have meant that the baby had healthy development. Since the levels were consistent, this meant one of two things. Either I 1) had a ruptured ovarian cyst which caused the pain, and the my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own in the uterus or 2) I was having an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy consists of implantation taking place somewhere outside of the uterus. In most cases, it occurs within the fallopian tube.
More tests were done to determine that in addition to the pregnancy hormone level dropping, I was also bleeding internally, as there was a significant amount of blood in my pelvis. The on-call gynocologist decided to admit me to the hospital, so they could monitor my vitals and find out what was actually going on.
At this point, I called my parents. I was scared and alone and for some reason, I thought I couldn't tell Frank.
The next morning, the doctor came in and told me that I had lost too much blood through the course of the night, and they were going to do surgery to look inside to find out what was going on. I was then asked to sign a consent form, allowing them to remove my fallopian tubes and ovaries if need be. My parents arrived at the hospital moments before I went into surgery. I couldn't stop crying.
After being in surgery for 5 hours, the doctor informs me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my right fallopian tube to rupture. Subsequently, the doctor removed my right fallopian tube and right ovary. I was devastated.
I went home for two weeks to recover. I've never cried so much in my entire life. When I got back to New York, it took me a couple of days to see Frank and tell him what happened. He was supportive, but couldn't understand why I hadn't called. To this moment, I can't explain why I didn't call and why I didn't think he would be there. I never gave him a chance. Our relationship has completely diminished. I had shut him out.
In a matter of 72 hours, I had gone from finding out I was pregnant to losing a baby and my ability to naturally conceive children in the future, if at all. I know that women always have stories of someone close to them going through the same thing, and they still got pregnant naturally, but in my heart I know that won't be me. I have done a lot of soul searching, trying to make sense of everything but it still all seems surreal.
I still can't make it through a day without crying. The overwhelming sensation of grief comes over me at least once a day. I say a lot of prayers. I get angry. And I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and let the days pass until the pain stops.
3 weeks ago, I was having serious abdominal cramping at work. Serious to the point where I told my boss I thought my appendix were bursting. I was keeled over, and went home. I called my parents and told them that I was having serious pain, and if it continued I was coming home to go to the ER. After I hang up with them, Kristina calls. I tell her what happens, and she asks me if I'm pregnant. (I've been dating a guy at work since May- let's just call him Frank). I take 2 tests, and I am. At this point I decide to not tell my parents, and go to the ER on Long Island because now I am pregnant with severe abdominal pain.
Once I got to the ER with one of my co-workers, many tests are done but the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong. They send me home, and tell me to return in 48 hours so they can check my pregnancy hormone levels to determine that the baby is healthy. In the mean time, the pain goes from shooting, sharp pains to nothing, so I return to work.
While I work I tell Luis, a very good friend of Frank's, hoping that his reaction will be a telltale of what Frank's will be because they're both originally from Mexico. Luis flips out, tells me that I'm keeping the baby and that we are adults, not kids anymore. In my heart, I believe he is right, but I know that I can't raise a child at this point in my life. Adoption seemed to be the right choice for me. But now, the pain is now back stronger than ever. Upon me crying hysterically and leaving work early, Luis informs me that he's really happy he's going to be an uncle. I cry harder. I have yet to tell Frank.
That night, I went back to the hospital to get my bloodwork checked again. I am in the worst pain I have ever felt at this point. It's concentrated on the right side, and it feels like someone is consistently stabbing me with 1000 knives. The results from my bloodwork show that my pregnancy hormone levels have stayed the same, not a great sign. If the hormone level doubled or tripled within 48 hours, it would have meant that the baby had healthy development. Since the levels were consistent, this meant one of two things. Either I 1) had a ruptured ovarian cyst which caused the pain, and the my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own in the uterus or 2) I was having an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy consists of implantation taking place somewhere outside of the uterus. In most cases, it occurs within the fallopian tube.
More tests were done to determine that in addition to the pregnancy hormone level dropping, I was also bleeding internally, as there was a significant amount of blood in my pelvis. The on-call gynocologist decided to admit me to the hospital, so they could monitor my vitals and find out what was actually going on.
At this point, I called my parents. I was scared and alone and for some reason, I thought I couldn't tell Frank.
The next morning, the doctor came in and told me that I had lost too much blood through the course of the night, and they were going to do surgery to look inside to find out what was going on. I was then asked to sign a consent form, allowing them to remove my fallopian tubes and ovaries if need be. My parents arrived at the hospital moments before I went into surgery. I couldn't stop crying.
After being in surgery for 5 hours, the doctor informs me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my right fallopian tube to rupture. Subsequently, the doctor removed my right fallopian tube and right ovary. I was devastated.
I went home for two weeks to recover. I've never cried so much in my entire life. When I got back to New York, it took me a couple of days to see Frank and tell him what happened. He was supportive, but couldn't understand why I hadn't called. To this moment, I can't explain why I didn't call and why I didn't think he would be there. I never gave him a chance. Our relationship has completely diminished. I had shut him out.
In a matter of 72 hours, I had gone from finding out I was pregnant to losing a baby and my ability to naturally conceive children in the future, if at all. I know that women always have stories of someone close to them going through the same thing, and they still got pregnant naturally, but in my heart I know that won't be me. I have done a lot of soul searching, trying to make sense of everything but it still all seems surreal.
I still can't make it through a day without crying. The overwhelming sensation of grief comes over me at least once a day. I say a lot of prayers. I get angry. And I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and let the days pass until the pain stops.
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