As they turn your dream to shame....

 I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

Real Quick...

Quick updates. This girl needs to get to bed. Here's why:

• Tomorrow I have a followup job interview. EEEEEK.
• I have heard nonstop from the brother since I ran into him at the country club. Do you know how hard it is to ignore someone?
• Philly was a good time. I am blessed to have amazing high school (and college) friends. It's so refreshing to have people that I've know for so long & every time I see them I'm laughing my ass off. Love them. 
• Went out to 2 bars this weekend. Shocking for me as of late. By tonight, I'm still exhausted. 
• A guy (for the first time since everything went down) told me at Lucy's that I looked beautiful Saturday night. I don't care if he meant it or not, but thank you random dude. 

Time to practice Spanish (via Rosetta Stone) and get some sleep. Adios.

Le sigh

I haven't updated in quite some time, mostly because I've been trying to get things in order. So, here we go.

On Friday, I had a job interview in Chelsea Market in the city. I think it went really well. There are 3 applicants for the position, and since we had a crazy storm Thursday night that delayed/suspended a few lines on the LIRR, I was the only one who showed up for the interview (advantage- Daryle). I was originally scheduled for an interview at 10am with what would be my immediate supervisor, and a rep from HR. Not only did I meet with those 2, but they introduced me to their bosses and so on. I ended up having 6 individual interviews, and was in the office for over 2 hours. If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is. I'm supposed to hear from them sometime this week, so I'm really hoping this works out.

Other than that, school has also been going very well. I am a TA for two courses, one of which is taught by the CFO of North Shore-LIJ, the premiere health care system on Long Island. The other professor is the CEO of Nassau University Medical Center, one of NS-LIJ's hospitals. Needless to say, working as a TA for them is a great professional opportunity.

 On a personal note, I've been going to therapy twice a week. It's so strange really. I feel as if I live this complete double life. One one hand, I am so involved in my academic and professional career I don't have time to think about anything that happened in July. On the other hand, I find myself holding back in my personal life so much. I don't want to meet anyone new. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin it is unbelievable. But, I'm so much better than a month ago. Honestly. I laugh. I feel more like my normal self and I feel as if life is really moving on.

But then something happens like Saturday night. I've been trying so much to avoid the country club. But it was Maya's birthday, and they were all getting together, so I decided to go. Of course I see Frank's brother, who I initially met around a year ago but used to speak to on the phone frequently when I was with him. He gave me a big hug, kiss on the cheek and asked how I was doing. I said fine, and he asked if I was okay- meaning he knew everything. I was a little tipsy at this point, so I invited him to come drink with us, and he said he was driving and couldn't. He asked where I live, and he said he lived in the same town and so I suggested we could share a cab (WHAT WAS I THINKING). He agreed to drink with us, so I went inside and discreetly told Maya what happened and how I was insane for offering to even associate with him. I'm guessing that he heard me, because soon after he decided it would be better if he went home.

Fast forward to last night. I'm sitting in my apartment. My doorbell rings. Its his brother. I hid. I couldn't answer the door. I'm sure he saw me. I'm insane.

Seeing his brother was so strange. They look alike. Sound alike. Even smell alike. I'm still freaked out. Moral of the story: If I'm hiding from his brother, God only knows what would happen if I actually saw Frank.

Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone

So here we go. I haven't updated in 3 days. I want to write the things that I've done (or rather, haven't) over the course of the past few days, but it's honestly too depressing for me to even write it down. Instead, I'm just going to bullet the important stuff.

• I went to a therapist. I like her. She's around my age, and did not judge me at all for anything that happened. She thinks I have PTSD, which I believe. When I do sleep, I'm a really violent sleeper, which I never was before. I wake up to pillows thrown around the room, on the opposite end of the bed and blankets in knots. I've put on 20 pounds since all of this started. I feel horribly ugly and don't enjoy going out or seeing people other than close friends at all (which really shrinks my social circle here in NY). We talked about a lot of things, and she put into perspective the number of things I've lost this summer (my job, relationship, the baby, the ability to have kids naturally). Basically I haven't allowed myself time to grieve, which is what I feel like I've been doing all along. It's an endless cycle. I'm going in 2 times a week for the next couple of weeks until things start getting better. 

•  I'm also developing this fear that I will never date anyone ever again. I've been burned so bad from this. How am I ever supposed to let anyone else in?!

• I spoke with one of the girls from work today. He's completely normal. She said he has "stopped acting shifty & weird" since I left. Why couldn't she have just lied to me and said he was miserable?
• I'm still having serious issues with the fact that he's fine and will be fine. I wonder if he even thinks about what happened to me, or me at all. How can he just not care?! What kind of person is he?! How did I not see this?!?!?! 

And cue the tears. I just want to feel better.  I'm exhausted. I know I say it all the time, but I am. I'm tired of being angry, sad, resentful and violent. Whenever I start thinking about what happens, it turns into this deep, dark, terrifying downward spiral.

God give me the strength. Why me?!

At night I pray that soon your face will fade away...

I know these posts are downers. I know they might be hard to read. I'm not apologizing. This is how I cope.

This past week I've just been feeling incredibly sad. I quit my job at the country club. At first, I felt so empowered. Now is the time to actually move on. I will never have to see him again. I was really ready to focus on getting my life back together.

But then I became so sad. I look for the best in people. I refuse to believe that he's this big of an asshole. I've seen the good in him. In my heart, I know he's hurting too. But, this was so much bigger than us. Considering what we were, we weren't prepared to handle this at all. A summer fling turned into a complete nightmare.

I'm going to therapy this week.




"Nothing seems to be the way that it used to. Everything seems shallow, God give me truth
& tell me somebody's watching over me. That is all I'm praying- Someday, I will understand God's whole plan & what he's done to me... "

Done.

I quit the country club. I have no internship. I am jobless. But I am so free. I can finally begin to heal. Cheers to my new life... :)

Obsessed with this song...

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...