Worry just will not seem to leave my mind alone

So here we go. I haven't updated in 3 days. I want to write the things that I've done (or rather, haven't) over the course of the past few days, but it's honestly too depressing for me to even write it down. Instead, I'm just going to bullet the important stuff.

• I went to a therapist. I like her. She's around my age, and did not judge me at all for anything that happened. She thinks I have PTSD, which I believe. When I do sleep, I'm a really violent sleeper, which I never was before. I wake up to pillows thrown around the room, on the opposite end of the bed and blankets in knots. I've put on 20 pounds since all of this started. I feel horribly ugly and don't enjoy going out or seeing people other than close friends at all (which really shrinks my social circle here in NY). We talked about a lot of things, and she put into perspective the number of things I've lost this summer (my job, relationship, the baby, the ability to have kids naturally). Basically I haven't allowed myself time to grieve, which is what I feel like I've been doing all along. It's an endless cycle. I'm going in 2 times a week for the next couple of weeks until things start getting better. 

•  I'm also developing this fear that I will never date anyone ever again. I've been burned so bad from this. How am I ever supposed to let anyone else in?!

• I spoke with one of the girls from work today. He's completely normal. She said he has "stopped acting shifty & weird" since I left. Why couldn't she have just lied to me and said he was miserable?
• I'm still having serious issues with the fact that he's fine and will be fine. I wonder if he even thinks about what happened to me, or me at all. How can he just not care?! What kind of person is he?! How did I not see this?!?!?! 

And cue the tears. I just want to feel better.  I'm exhausted. I know I say it all the time, but I am. I'm tired of being angry, sad, resentful and violent. Whenever I start thinking about what happens, it turns into this deep, dark, terrifying downward spiral.

God give me the strength. Why me?!

At night I pray that soon your face will fade away...

I know these posts are downers. I know they might be hard to read. I'm not apologizing. This is how I cope.

This past week I've just been feeling incredibly sad. I quit my job at the country club. At first, I felt so empowered. Now is the time to actually move on. I will never have to see him again. I was really ready to focus on getting my life back together.

But then I became so sad. I look for the best in people. I refuse to believe that he's this big of an asshole. I've seen the good in him. In my heart, I know he's hurting too. But, this was so much bigger than us. Considering what we were, we weren't prepared to handle this at all. A summer fling turned into a complete nightmare.

I'm going to therapy this week.




"Nothing seems to be the way that it used to. Everything seems shallow, God give me truth
& tell me somebody's watching over me. That is all I'm praying- Someday, I will understand God's whole plan & what he's done to me... "

Done.

I quit the country club. I have no internship. I am jobless. But I am so free. I can finally begin to heal. Cheers to my new life... :)

Obsessed with this song...

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...

There was no thief

Yesterday was a great day. Super.

Today, not so much. It's been a month. We can't even look at each other. There is still so much pain. Everyone says its time to move on. And I keep trying. It's not like I'm not trying.

It's just still so hard.

Better days

For the first time since this entire ordeal has happened, I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I recently received a call from Hofstra letting me know that I am the recipient of the MHA fellowship for this upcoming academic year. $3000.00 worth of fellowship. Right off my loans. Fantastic. I now go in and work with my program director once a week doing tasks to help take the MHA program at Hofstra to the next level. Tomorrow will be my 3rd week and I'm really enjoying it so far.

However, this is REALLY what I'm excited about. Last week, I spoke with one of my professors regarding 2 internships (both paid) and at exceptional hospitals (one of which is highly prestigious and located in Manhattan). A classmate of mine is currently doing her internship at one, and said that she has put in so many good words for me that her boss wants to hire me before she even meets me. I'm so excited. All of my hard work here is finally paying off, and the timing could not be more perfect. Not only are these opportunities unbelievable, but they are also my ticket out of the country club. That's right. I will no longer feel obligated to stay at the country club just to make sure I can pay my rent. I'm just hoping everything works out in the end- so keep your fingers crossed for me!

In other news, which also isn't as exciting, I received a call from my surgeon regarding my most recent bloodwork. I am still anemic (no surprise there- he previously told me its going to be 4 months before my iron is back to normal), and my thyroid levels are high. So I have to go see him tomorrow to talk about treatment options. I'm not worried.

I'm finding my days off of work are the best I've felt in a while. Please God let this internship work out so I can work on moving on.

I don't believe you...

We don't even look at each other.

Hating him is exhausting.

I can't cope with this alone. It still hurts.

I want to stop crying. I can't.