A quote I received in my Facebook inbox that I'm pretty sure was spam. I actually don't know who the sender is.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us".
Today might just be the first good day I've had in a while.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Not Afraid
Today is the first day I see Frank since he told me (not so nicely) on Sunday that he "didn't want to hear about what happened to me anymore". I don't give a shit if he doesn't want to hear about it. He can't just walk away from this unscathed. Unfortunately, my health insurance isn't the greatest and will not cover my surgery 100%. How awful is it that I need a contribution from him? Ugh.
I have no sympathy left for him. I need to protect myself. I need to heal, and if part of that process is crying, screaming at him or simply ignoring him, what needs to be done will be done.
I have no sympathy left for him. I need to protect myself. I need to heal, and if part of that process is crying, screaming at him or simply ignoring him, what needs to be done will be done.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Chiquitita
This is the story of an event that will forever change my life. There is no reason for it to be kept private any longer. This is what happened to me. I hope you can learn something from it. I'm changing the names of those involved, but the story remains the same.
3 weeks ago, I was having serious abdominal cramping at work. Serious to the point where I told my boss I thought my appendix were bursting. I was keeled over, and went home. I called my parents and told them that I was having serious pain, and if it continued I was coming home to go to the ER. After I hang up with them, Kristina calls. I tell her what happens, and she asks me if I'm pregnant. (I've been dating a guy at work since May- let's just call him Frank). I take 2 tests, and I am. At this point I decide to not tell my parents, and go to the ER on Long Island because now I am pregnant with severe abdominal pain.
Once I got to the ER with one of my co-workers, many tests are done but the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong. They send me home, and tell me to return in 48 hours so they can check my pregnancy hormone levels to determine that the baby is healthy. In the mean time, the pain goes from shooting, sharp pains to nothing, so I return to work.
While I work I tell Luis, a very good friend of Frank's, hoping that his reaction will be a telltale of what Frank's will be because they're both originally from Mexico. Luis flips out, tells me that I'm keeping the baby and that we are adults, not kids anymore. In my heart, I believe he is right, but I know that I can't raise a child at this point in my life. Adoption seemed to be the right choice for me. But now, the pain is now back stronger than ever. Upon me crying hysterically and leaving work early, Luis informs me that he's really happy he's going to be an uncle. I cry harder. I have yet to tell Frank.
That night, I went back to the hospital to get my bloodwork checked again. I am in the worst pain I have ever felt at this point. It's concentrated on the right side, and it feels like someone is consistently stabbing me with 1000 knives. The results from my bloodwork show that my pregnancy hormone levels have stayed the same, not a great sign. If the hormone level doubled or tripled within 48 hours, it would have meant that the baby had healthy development. Since the levels were consistent, this meant one of two things. Either I 1) had a ruptured ovarian cyst which caused the pain, and the my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own in the uterus or 2) I was having an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy consists of implantation taking place somewhere outside of the uterus. In most cases, it occurs within the fallopian tube.
More tests were done to determine that in addition to the pregnancy hormone level dropping, I was also bleeding internally, as there was a significant amount of blood in my pelvis. The on-call gynocologist decided to admit me to the hospital, so they could monitor my vitals and find out what was actually going on.
At this point, I called my parents. I was scared and alone and for some reason, I thought I couldn't tell Frank.
The next morning, the doctor came in and told me that I had lost too much blood through the course of the night, and they were going to do surgery to look inside to find out what was going on. I was then asked to sign a consent form, allowing them to remove my fallopian tubes and ovaries if need be. My parents arrived at the hospital moments before I went into surgery. I couldn't stop crying.
After being in surgery for 5 hours, the doctor informs me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my right fallopian tube to rupture. Subsequently, the doctor removed my right fallopian tube and right ovary. I was devastated.
I went home for two weeks to recover. I've never cried so much in my entire life. When I got back to New York, it took me a couple of days to see Frank and tell him what happened. He was supportive, but couldn't understand why I hadn't called. To this moment, I can't explain why I didn't call and why I didn't think he would be there. I never gave him a chance. Our relationship has completely diminished. I had shut him out.
In a matter of 72 hours, I had gone from finding out I was pregnant to losing a baby and my ability to naturally conceive children in the future, if at all. I know that women always have stories of someone close to them going through the same thing, and they still got pregnant naturally, but in my heart I know that won't be me. I have done a lot of soul searching, trying to make sense of everything but it still all seems surreal.
I still can't make it through a day without crying. The overwhelming sensation of grief comes over me at least once a day. I say a lot of prayers. I get angry. And I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and let the days pass until the pain stops.
3 weeks ago, I was having serious abdominal cramping at work. Serious to the point where I told my boss I thought my appendix were bursting. I was keeled over, and went home. I called my parents and told them that I was having serious pain, and if it continued I was coming home to go to the ER. After I hang up with them, Kristina calls. I tell her what happens, and she asks me if I'm pregnant. (I've been dating a guy at work since May- let's just call him Frank). I take 2 tests, and I am. At this point I decide to not tell my parents, and go to the ER on Long Island because now I am pregnant with severe abdominal pain.
Once I got to the ER with one of my co-workers, many tests are done but the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong. They send me home, and tell me to return in 48 hours so they can check my pregnancy hormone levels to determine that the baby is healthy. In the mean time, the pain goes from shooting, sharp pains to nothing, so I return to work.
While I work I tell Luis, a very good friend of Frank's, hoping that his reaction will be a telltale of what Frank's will be because they're both originally from Mexico. Luis flips out, tells me that I'm keeping the baby and that we are adults, not kids anymore. In my heart, I believe he is right, but I know that I can't raise a child at this point in my life. Adoption seemed to be the right choice for me. But now, the pain is now back stronger than ever. Upon me crying hysterically and leaving work early, Luis informs me that he's really happy he's going to be an uncle. I cry harder. I have yet to tell Frank.
That night, I went back to the hospital to get my bloodwork checked again. I am in the worst pain I have ever felt at this point. It's concentrated on the right side, and it feels like someone is consistently stabbing me with 1000 knives. The results from my bloodwork show that my pregnancy hormone levels have stayed the same, not a great sign. If the hormone level doubled or tripled within 48 hours, it would have meant that the baby had healthy development. Since the levels were consistent, this meant one of two things. Either I 1) had a ruptured ovarian cyst which caused the pain, and the my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own in the uterus or 2) I was having an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy consists of implantation taking place somewhere outside of the uterus. In most cases, it occurs within the fallopian tube.
More tests were done to determine that in addition to the pregnancy hormone level dropping, I was also bleeding internally, as there was a significant amount of blood in my pelvis. The on-call gynocologist decided to admit me to the hospital, so they could monitor my vitals and find out what was actually going on.
At this point, I called my parents. I was scared and alone and for some reason, I thought I couldn't tell Frank.
The next morning, the doctor came in and told me that I had lost too much blood through the course of the night, and they were going to do surgery to look inside to find out what was going on. I was then asked to sign a consent form, allowing them to remove my fallopian tubes and ovaries if need be. My parents arrived at the hospital moments before I went into surgery. I couldn't stop crying.
After being in surgery for 5 hours, the doctor informs me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my right fallopian tube to rupture. Subsequently, the doctor removed my right fallopian tube and right ovary. I was devastated.
I went home for two weeks to recover. I've never cried so much in my entire life. When I got back to New York, it took me a couple of days to see Frank and tell him what happened. He was supportive, but couldn't understand why I hadn't called. To this moment, I can't explain why I didn't call and why I didn't think he would be there. I never gave him a chance. Our relationship has completely diminished. I had shut him out.
In a matter of 72 hours, I had gone from finding out I was pregnant to losing a baby and my ability to naturally conceive children in the future, if at all. I know that women always have stories of someone close to them going through the same thing, and they still got pregnant naturally, but in my heart I know that won't be me. I have done a lot of soul searching, trying to make sense of everything but it still all seems surreal.
I still can't make it through a day without crying. The overwhelming sensation of grief comes over me at least once a day. I say a lot of prayers. I get angry. And I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and let the days pass until the pain stops.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
YES
I love my boss. Really. Its not often you find a place you work where management treats you so well. They gave me tomorrow off to finish my paper. I couldn't be more grateful. OBSESSED with them right now. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Monday, November 9, 2009
Feeling pretty inspired lately...
I haven't updated this thing in over a month. Wowzers. I have a lot to say so bear with me... here we go:
- I have been working like CRAZY at Tam O'Shanter. A lot. Rounding out at about 40 hours every week. On top of school and attempting to have a social life, it's been a lot to handle. But I'm trying my best not to complain and just to get everything done because this is the life I chose.
- I went to Jax!!! It was awesome. I saw a lot of people that I truly missed, but have decided it will be my last FL/GA tailgate. I'm just too old and there were too many people there that I had no clue who they were. I had a lot of fun with Katie & Jenny-- it was so good just to hang out with best friends again.
- Last weekend I went to Manhattan to see Shana and Julie and had a blast!! I was exhausted for the rest of the weekend at work, but besides that little fact I love NYC. Love it. I should have gone into the city right when I moved here. I think that visiting Manhattan (25 mins by train- really) has changed my entire outlook on living here in NY. I love love LOVED it.
- Currently seeking apartments in Murray Hill with Christina so we can take the big city by storm. Found some good places, but I don't know what the outcome will be. Maybe another year on LI, saving some $$ and then heading west. Or we might just take the risk and move in January. Who knows. We'll figure it out. But the prospect of living in Manhattan is super exciting.
- Because I've been working so much and trying to balance school, I have been seriously slacking at the gym. I need to get back into my routine and quick. After class tonight I'm going. It's official. I might need the stress relief after I get my mid terms back tonight. Arggg I'm so nervous!!!!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I got... nothing.
I really don't have much to update right now... but here goes. I think I'll be sticking to the bullet format because really, its how I structure notes & write everything else down in my life. Its an easy read...
Can someone from Jax pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee come visit me so we can just rage in NYC for an entire weekend? I'll get all of my work done ahead of time I promise hahaha.
Back to reading. I'm just so cool. Bye!
- Liz & Carmine came to hang out Friday night. The Country Club doesn't serve dinner on Friday nights (best job ever? I think yes!) so I got to spend lots of quality time with them. We drank a significant amount (Im down to drinking one night a week... who am I?) and then Carmine & I started watching the HBO series John Adams. We ended up watching all of it. Awesome.
- Yesterday I hung out with them until around dinner time, and then came back here to do work. But, a nice little migraine decided to kick in and I fell asleep around 10pm. Nice.
- Today I worked at the Country Club, came back here to clean and do work, and now I'm here.
Can someone from Jax pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee come visit me so we can just rage in NYC for an entire weekend? I'll get all of my work done ahead of time I promise hahaha.
Back to reading. I'm just so cool. Bye!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
In a nutshell...
Just some bullet points of my ever-so exciting Thursday:
- Glee last night was fan-flippin-tastic!! I love love LOVE it. I will def make time in my every growing calendar to unwind and watch it each week.
- Crumbs (Bakery) called to offer me a job while I was sitting in class tonight. But- on the stipulation that I extend my availability- which I can't. Gotta call & refuse the offer tomorrow. Sucks.
- I like to keep my window open in my room but the smokers' tables are outside my window and smelling those cigarettes makes my life increasingly difficult. I also think its rude that when I've told people I've quit smoking, people have said "No one likes a quitter". RUDE.
- I have the sniffles and a scratchy throat. This better end. NOW.
- Hofstra rape victim is a liar. Talk of the campus today.
- I can tell I'm losing weight, but I have no idea how much because I don't have a scale here and can't afford to buy one.
- My calendar is so booked and I hate it. FL/GA weekend was a definite, but is now only a possibility because I have an exam the day I get back (Monday) and it would be a wise financial decision for me to just stay put & use the plane ticket for Fort Lauderdale after Thanksgiving with my family. But I just want to go- see all of my long lost Jax friends and drink my face off. Thats all I really want out of life at this moment. Is that so much to ask? Apparently.
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