I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play
The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That's her destiny
I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules
The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain.
But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?
Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed
The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all
I don't wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see
The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all...
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
There was no thief
Yesterday was a great day. Super.
Today, not so much. It's been a month. We can't even look at each other. There is still so much pain. Everyone says its time to move on. And I keep trying. It's not like I'm not trying.
It's just still so hard.
Today, not so much. It's been a month. We can't even look at each other. There is still so much pain. Everyone says its time to move on. And I keep trying. It's not like I'm not trying.
It's just still so hard.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Better days
For the first time since this entire ordeal has happened, I am really looking forward to tomorrow. I recently received a call from Hofstra letting me know that I am the recipient of the MHA fellowship for this upcoming academic year. $3000.00 worth of fellowship. Right off my loans. Fantastic. I now go in and work with my program director once a week doing tasks to help take the MHA program at Hofstra to the next level. Tomorrow will be my 3rd week and I'm really enjoying it so far.
However, this is REALLY what I'm excited about. Last week, I spoke with one of my professors regarding 2 internships (both paid) and at exceptional hospitals (one of which is highly prestigious and located in Manhattan). A classmate of mine is currently doing her internship at one, and said that she has put in so many good words for me that her boss wants to hire me before she even meets me. I'm so excited. All of my hard work here is finally paying off, and the timing could not be more perfect. Not only are these opportunities unbelievable, but they are also my ticket out of the country club. That's right. I will no longer feel obligated to stay at the country club just to make sure I can pay my rent. I'm just hoping everything works out in the end- so keep your fingers crossed for me!
In other news, which also isn't as exciting, I received a call from my surgeon regarding my most recent bloodwork. I am still anemic (no surprise there- he previously told me its going to be 4 months before my iron is back to normal), and my thyroid levels are high. So I have to go see him tomorrow to talk about treatment options. I'm not worried.
I'm finding my days off of work are the best I've felt in a while. Please God let this internship work out so I can work on moving on.
However, this is REALLY what I'm excited about. Last week, I spoke with one of my professors regarding 2 internships (both paid) and at exceptional hospitals (one of which is highly prestigious and located in Manhattan). A classmate of mine is currently doing her internship at one, and said that she has put in so many good words for me that her boss wants to hire me before she even meets me. I'm so excited. All of my hard work here is finally paying off, and the timing could not be more perfect. Not only are these opportunities unbelievable, but they are also my ticket out of the country club. That's right. I will no longer feel obligated to stay at the country club just to make sure I can pay my rent. I'm just hoping everything works out in the end- so keep your fingers crossed for me!
In other news, which also isn't as exciting, I received a call from my surgeon regarding my most recent bloodwork. I am still anemic (no surprise there- he previously told me its going to be 4 months before my iron is back to normal), and my thyroid levels are high. So I have to go see him tomorrow to talk about treatment options. I'm not worried.
I'm finding my days off of work are the best I've felt in a while. Please God let this internship work out so I can work on moving on.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
I don't believe you...
We don't even look at each other.
Hating him is exhausting.
I can't cope with this alone. It still hurts.
I want to stop crying. I can't.
Hating him is exhausting.
I can't cope with this alone. It still hurts.
I want to stop crying. I can't.
Friday, August 6, 2010
One sweet day
A quote I received in my Facebook inbox that I'm pretty sure was spam. I actually don't know who the sender is.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us".
Today might just be the first good day I've had in a while.
"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us".
Today might just be the first good day I've had in a while.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Not Afraid
Today is the first day I see Frank since he told me (not so nicely) on Sunday that he "didn't want to hear about what happened to me anymore". I don't give a shit if he doesn't want to hear about it. He can't just walk away from this unscathed. Unfortunately, my health insurance isn't the greatest and will not cover my surgery 100%. How awful is it that I need a contribution from him? Ugh.
I have no sympathy left for him. I need to protect myself. I need to heal, and if part of that process is crying, screaming at him or simply ignoring him, what needs to be done will be done.
I have no sympathy left for him. I need to protect myself. I need to heal, and if part of that process is crying, screaming at him or simply ignoring him, what needs to be done will be done.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Chiquitita
This is the story of an event that will forever change my life. There is no reason for it to be kept private any longer. This is what happened to me. I hope you can learn something from it. I'm changing the names of those involved, but the story remains the same.
3 weeks ago, I was having serious abdominal cramping at work. Serious to the point where I told my boss I thought my appendix were bursting. I was keeled over, and went home. I called my parents and told them that I was having serious pain, and if it continued I was coming home to go to the ER. After I hang up with them, Kristina calls. I tell her what happens, and she asks me if I'm pregnant. (I've been dating a guy at work since May- let's just call him Frank). I take 2 tests, and I am. At this point I decide to not tell my parents, and go to the ER on Long Island because now I am pregnant with severe abdominal pain.
Once I got to the ER with one of my co-workers, many tests are done but the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong. They send me home, and tell me to return in 48 hours so they can check my pregnancy hormone levels to determine that the baby is healthy. In the mean time, the pain goes from shooting, sharp pains to nothing, so I return to work.
While I work I tell Luis, a very good friend of Frank's, hoping that his reaction will be a telltale of what Frank's will be because they're both originally from Mexico. Luis flips out, tells me that I'm keeping the baby and that we are adults, not kids anymore. In my heart, I believe he is right, but I know that I can't raise a child at this point in my life. Adoption seemed to be the right choice for me. But now, the pain is now back stronger than ever. Upon me crying hysterically and leaving work early, Luis informs me that he's really happy he's going to be an uncle. I cry harder. I have yet to tell Frank.
That night, I went back to the hospital to get my bloodwork checked again. I am in the worst pain I have ever felt at this point. It's concentrated on the right side, and it feels like someone is consistently stabbing me with 1000 knives. The results from my bloodwork show that my pregnancy hormone levels have stayed the same, not a great sign. If the hormone level doubled or tripled within 48 hours, it would have meant that the baby had healthy development. Since the levels were consistent, this meant one of two things. Either I 1) had a ruptured ovarian cyst which caused the pain, and the my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own in the uterus or 2) I was having an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy consists of implantation taking place somewhere outside of the uterus. In most cases, it occurs within the fallopian tube.
More tests were done to determine that in addition to the pregnancy hormone level dropping, I was also bleeding internally, as there was a significant amount of blood in my pelvis. The on-call gynocologist decided to admit me to the hospital, so they could monitor my vitals and find out what was actually going on.
At this point, I called my parents. I was scared and alone and for some reason, I thought I couldn't tell Frank.
The next morning, the doctor came in and told me that I had lost too much blood through the course of the night, and they were going to do surgery to look inside to find out what was going on. I was then asked to sign a consent form, allowing them to remove my fallopian tubes and ovaries if need be. My parents arrived at the hospital moments before I went into surgery. I couldn't stop crying.
After being in surgery for 5 hours, the doctor informs me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my right fallopian tube to rupture. Subsequently, the doctor removed my right fallopian tube and right ovary. I was devastated.
I went home for two weeks to recover. I've never cried so much in my entire life. When I got back to New York, it took me a couple of days to see Frank and tell him what happened. He was supportive, but couldn't understand why I hadn't called. To this moment, I can't explain why I didn't call and why I didn't think he would be there. I never gave him a chance. Our relationship has completely diminished. I had shut him out.
In a matter of 72 hours, I had gone from finding out I was pregnant to losing a baby and my ability to naturally conceive children in the future, if at all. I know that women always have stories of someone close to them going through the same thing, and they still got pregnant naturally, but in my heart I know that won't be me. I have done a lot of soul searching, trying to make sense of everything but it still all seems surreal.
I still can't make it through a day without crying. The overwhelming sensation of grief comes over me at least once a day. I say a lot of prayers. I get angry. And I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and let the days pass until the pain stops.
3 weeks ago, I was having serious abdominal cramping at work. Serious to the point where I told my boss I thought my appendix were bursting. I was keeled over, and went home. I called my parents and told them that I was having serious pain, and if it continued I was coming home to go to the ER. After I hang up with them, Kristina calls. I tell her what happens, and she asks me if I'm pregnant. (I've been dating a guy at work since May- let's just call him Frank). I take 2 tests, and I am. At this point I decide to not tell my parents, and go to the ER on Long Island because now I am pregnant with severe abdominal pain.
Once I got to the ER with one of my co-workers, many tests are done but the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong. They send me home, and tell me to return in 48 hours so they can check my pregnancy hormone levels to determine that the baby is healthy. In the mean time, the pain goes from shooting, sharp pains to nothing, so I return to work.
While I work I tell Luis, a very good friend of Frank's, hoping that his reaction will be a telltale of what Frank's will be because they're both originally from Mexico. Luis flips out, tells me that I'm keeping the baby and that we are adults, not kids anymore. In my heart, I believe he is right, but I know that I can't raise a child at this point in my life. Adoption seemed to be the right choice for me. But now, the pain is now back stronger than ever. Upon me crying hysterically and leaving work early, Luis informs me that he's really happy he's going to be an uncle. I cry harder. I have yet to tell Frank.
That night, I went back to the hospital to get my bloodwork checked again. I am in the worst pain I have ever felt at this point. It's concentrated on the right side, and it feels like someone is consistently stabbing me with 1000 knives. The results from my bloodwork show that my pregnancy hormone levels have stayed the same, not a great sign. If the hormone level doubled or tripled within 48 hours, it would have meant that the baby had healthy development. Since the levels were consistent, this meant one of two things. Either I 1) had a ruptured ovarian cyst which caused the pain, and the my body was terminating the pregnancy on its own in the uterus or 2) I was having an ectopic pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy consists of implantation taking place somewhere outside of the uterus. In most cases, it occurs within the fallopian tube.
More tests were done to determine that in addition to the pregnancy hormone level dropping, I was also bleeding internally, as there was a significant amount of blood in my pelvis. The on-call gynocologist decided to admit me to the hospital, so they could monitor my vitals and find out what was actually going on.
At this point, I called my parents. I was scared and alone and for some reason, I thought I couldn't tell Frank.
The next morning, the doctor came in and told me that I had lost too much blood through the course of the night, and they were going to do surgery to look inside to find out what was going on. I was then asked to sign a consent form, allowing them to remove my fallopian tubes and ovaries if need be. My parents arrived at the hospital moments before I went into surgery. I couldn't stop crying.
After being in surgery for 5 hours, the doctor informs me that I had an ectopic pregnancy, which caused my right fallopian tube to rupture. Subsequently, the doctor removed my right fallopian tube and right ovary. I was devastated.
I went home for two weeks to recover. I've never cried so much in my entire life. When I got back to New York, it took me a couple of days to see Frank and tell him what happened. He was supportive, but couldn't understand why I hadn't called. To this moment, I can't explain why I didn't call and why I didn't think he would be there. I never gave him a chance. Our relationship has completely diminished. I had shut him out.
In a matter of 72 hours, I had gone from finding out I was pregnant to losing a baby and my ability to naturally conceive children in the future, if at all. I know that women always have stories of someone close to them going through the same thing, and they still got pregnant naturally, but in my heart I know that won't be me. I have done a lot of soul searching, trying to make sense of everything but it still all seems surreal.
I still can't make it through a day without crying. The overwhelming sensation of grief comes over me at least once a day. I say a lot of prayers. I get angry. And I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under my blankets and let the days pass until the pain stops.
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